This Just In.......

I ate lunch twice today, I'm a fatass.

Jay and Pigott Random Tradition #1- "Eating at the Ballgame"

Few traditions are held as sacred as the one that's #1 on Jay and I's list of random tradition. No matter how much it cost, we ALWAYS eat at the game. No matter how much it costs, and no matter how much we ate before we went, we eat at the game for the simple reason that IT ADDS TO THE EXPERIENCE. Every time we go to Trustmark Park, our first stop is the Cellular South Grill where watch batting practice from atop the right field wall through the looking glass in the restaurant. This tradition gets us nice and filled up as well as wets our whistles with a few cold beers which get us in "baseball mode", and once we're there, we become the two hellians we were born to be, and it gives you, the great people reading this, a great story to read. That's how important it is. If you think about it, most of our sports escapades together have involved food and beer of some sort, because nothing makes sports better like a nice greasy caloric meal and a tall cold brewsky. I would dare venture to say that me and Jay have NEVER been to a game together on any level including high school where we didn't take time to get there early and sit, talk, discuss, eat, drink, fart, burp, drink, eat, debating, reminiscing, and more eating and drinking. Few things can bring two true sports fan heroes like a good meal and beer do at the ballpark, stadium, or arena. No matter how bad the game is, how bad the teams are, how many bad plays or bad calls are made. The experience is always made a good one when a harty meal is taken in before the big game or, in my case of being fat, DURING the big game as well. So, if nothing else, even if the game sucks, you can always make it as Jay would say, "A REALLY good experience".

Mission Arlington- Jay and Pigott Make History- Spring Break 1997

What a great spring break this one turned out to be. While the main mission of the trip was a very serious one and turned out to be a great personal experience, the pure lunacy and venom me and 5-jay poured all over everyone on this trip is seldom matched. First of all, our room was of course me and jay along with Lee and everyone's favorite guy Trey. The first few nights of the trip featured Trey playing "Doom" on his laptop and while we were asleep, he would watch softcore porn on HBO and Cinemax. Poor leeboy. After we were told to stop by several people one night, Trey continued to make prank phone calls on our phone, which led to his stupid ass letting Brad "The flaming pedophile fag" McMahon (who was, in fact, too old to be on the trip but didn't go skiing with the senior high because he had "knee problems"). Anyway, he took the phone out of the wall and took it downstairs to everyone's favorite guy Brett Mayfield. Being insensed at Trey, Brad, and now Brett, my aggression came out like a blowtorch shooting a flame. I flew down the stairs and proceeded to bust in Brett's room pointing my finger at him and shouting, and even shoving him once, but by this time, Jay had grabbed me and cooler heads prevailed. Oh, but the night was still young. That night, me and jay had one of our most monumental moments in our history of being co-hellians. That night, we ate dinner at the Ballpark at Arlington, the home of the Texas Rangers. After we got done eating, several of us, including Matt Pride, Alec Taylor, Daniel Sigrest, and the late Anthony Shams snuck down to the field and WALKED ON THE FIELD. Seriously, WE STEPPED FOOT ON A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL FIELD. I seriously remember looking at the empty dark stands and thinking "wow this must be awesome" and thinking what then Rangers right fielder Juan Gonzalez must experience playing beneath the stars of the Texas sky. Few things in life will ever match how much and Jay cared about being on that field more than anything else at that moment. The food and women could wait (won't hear my fat ass say that often), it was time to be a major leaguer. While others were running around like idiots, me and 5-jay were honoring and respecting the true glory which is Major League Baseball. I also ran against the wall and acted like I was catching a fly ball- something Jay is very upset he didn't do- sucks for him. Anyway, as soon as this happened, Anthony, who was shouting "I'm an all-star" looked up and we heard a beeping noise. Me and Jay, being the good friends we are quickly scaled the fence and took off running, leaving Anthony to get busted by security. However, Jay took some grass from the field which Charlotte put in a bag and even labeled it for Jay. How sweet. Right after this, yet another tradition was born, that of the "standoff table". However, it did not have this name yet, but our legacy of many memorable battles on these great contraptions was born that night, and "standoff" would be coined exactly a year later in the same state- stay tuned. However, after Jay's hard fought 7-6 victory over me, we were wired. The one night Trey wanted to go to sleep, me and jay wanted to stay up and play "Doom". Trey, being the fag that he is called our youth minister, Jon Daniels at THREE A.M. and said "JD, they're keeping me awake". He also got Brad's fag ass involved and I eventually agreed to turn off the computer. However, I wasn't finished. Me, Jay, and Lee then all jumped on Trey and beat his ass!!!! I finally just said "just go sleep in the bathtub!", and being the obedient little bitch he is, he DID! Few things are funnier than listening to someone move around in the bathtub they're sleeping in. The next day, I was still wired, and proceeded to drop about 40 points in a pick up basketball game against some college students from Murray State in Kentucky. Yes, it was before I was fat, wait no it wasn't. Anyway,we went out that night in downtown Dallas where me and Jay started rearranging syllables and confusing everyone. This was brought to a climax when I said "I'm so glad to be in the titty of Arlington, Sexas." Appropriate!!!!!!! Anyway, this trip was not without having one more lasting memory. Random Tradition #3 was born on this trip. Chills go down my spine just thinking that we put that pizza under the mattress just because we couldn't eat anymore and we were just too fucking lazy to throw it away. On top of that, we were such assholes we didn't really give a shit who had to sleep there later. Hats off to us. Anyway, Chip was on this trip, but he was all enthralled with his new short-lived "girlfriend" Evan Sills who would later go to high school with me. Also on this trip was Alec, who was starting his "glued to Claire's hip" days. Cooper also went on this trip as well as our good buddy that I mentioned earlier, the late Anthony Shams who would pass away a little over 2 years later. This was the last trip that me, him, and jay were on together. The last night of the trip I gave a accapella rendition of "The Booger Song" on the bus and the busdriver then told me "I couldn't carry a tune in a damn bucket". Asshole. This monumentally historical trip was brought to a close in a rain-filled day at Six Flags Over Texas. We were dumb Mississippi rednecks who enjoyed being idiots, so we kept riding stuff in the rain. After a wild and historical week, me and jay returned to the great Magnolia State and finished out our freshman years at our respective institutions of secondary education. Me and jay would not embark on another adventure for one whole calendar year, but boy oh boy was that one to remember..........

World Changers (for the better or worse?) Summer-1998

I apologize for my absence of about a week. It's ok though, I knew 5A would keep the wheels spinning and his mouth running until my return. So as 5A or I would say, "let's discuss". This is the story of a trip to Wyoming that we took one summer during highschool called "World Changers". Many youth groups from all over the U.S. came and gathered at this one school, where we would all sleep and eat for a week. In the meantime, we were split into random groups and sent to a certain house of an elderly or poor owner. During the daytime, we spent the entire week with our groups taking the shingles off and re-roofing our assigned house. I had a nice mix in my group, consisting of a cool white guy from California named Shane, a little Asian man named "Pun", and three Texas girls along with Davis Jones who was from our church. During the night, we rose a whole lot of hell. Every guy at World Changers slept on the gym floor......yeah it sucked. Pigott and I shared a matt by turning it sideways so we could each have an asspad. The rest of our bodies were on a hardwood floor. That will do a number on a man, so don't ever think you want to be like us and try it. For example, one night i SLEEPCRAWLED.....NO LIE. Yeah I got up in my sleep, trampled all over 5A Pigott, crawled over to Tiny Tim's duffle bag and started digging in it. I woke up to Tim asking me what the hell I was doing, and Pigott woke up laughing while singing along with "Hey Jude" on his Discman. I got the "Ghost" award at the end of the trip. (Pigott got the "raise your hand if you're having fun award" for his famous pick me up line he always said when he got on the bus) Another thing that I will never forget is Blake Webster repeating over and over again that he was going to kick my ass in one on one basketball. Let me tell you how this short game to 21 went: I shot for ball, I made it. I took his ass to the hole, 2-0. He got ball, shot, I swatted that shit to China. He got ball again, tried to drive on me like an IDIOT, I swatted that shit so hard it almost broke his nose. I got the ball and took him to the hole for a reverse layup, while he said "nice shot". Seriously, I won't go any further, but I will tell you that the final score was 22-6. I guess I should pause and let you also know that we made a trip to Yellowstone and Old Faithful at some time during the trip. At Yellowstone, Pigott saw a buffalo and publicly announced to everyone on the tour bus that it looked just like Liza, one of our chapperones. I know, what an asshole. Pigott loved the fact that all the sulphur around Old Faithful smelled just like his farts, so he walked around making fart noises with his mouth that sounded like this..... "PHEEEEEEEEEE.......POOOO..........PHEEEEWW.......POPPPP............MEEEEEEEEEEEEEET".
He continued this in every public restroom we went into on that trip, and he made sure it was a packed house every time. I would walk in just to watch everyone's reaction. Hilarity insued. I honestly believe I could have sold tickets to that shit it was so funny. Pigott didn't stop there, though. I think the fact that men were the only ones who could hear his restroom fart noises bothered him so much that he felt the need to put on a show for the women as well. So, one night he arranged what was by far the funniest thing on the whole trip. He asked me if I would line some 250 people up in the main hallway of the school that we were staying. This was a mixed crowd: guys, girls, YOUTH GROUP DIRECTORS. As 5A Pigott stood at the end of the hallway in the shadows, he waited for my signal. When I gave him the nod, he covered his butthole with both hands and ran about a 40 yard dash down the hallway and into the bathroom screaming "I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT!!!!!" The place erupted, and Pigott was an instant favorite of everyone in the building. Along with all this, we had to deal with the real retard of the trip named Chip Boyd. One night we were outside as a youth group having a devotion and share time. We were all telling how blessed we felt by the work we were able to do and things of that sort, when Chip Boyd ruined the atmosphere like only he could. He proclaimed in his annoying voice "I would like everyone to know that I am addicted to pornography". I mean really, why in the world would you want to share this with ANYONE much less everyone in your group??? Everyone's jaw dropped to the floor, and I believe it was at this point that whole point of our mission trip was ruined. As we all walked inside, Key Collins walked up to me and said "Hey man, you wanna go make fun of Chip Boyd?" Along with this, Chip was almost murdered by another member of our youth group who we called "Stuff", when he took a shit in his underwear and was so nervous that he threw it down on Stuff's sleeping bag not knowing what else to do. And if you think our youth group needed help, you should have met the guys from Duluth, Georgia. They had naked time in the shower together everynight.....enough said. We closed the experience at the school out by eating fried bull testicles and watching two of our chaperones do a strip dance right before our very eyes. When we left World Changers, we made a stop in Jackson Hole. 5A was even more delighted by the fact that this gave him the opportunity to call his mother and say "Hey Mom, we're in Jackson Butthole". Shortly after, the Overton twins decided to climb to the top of an extremely tall hill overgrown with weeds high enough for every family of snake known to mankind to inhabit. After being offered to join them, Pigott and I looked at one another and said "What the hell?" We then proceeded to a Chinese restaurant where we ate these poor fellas out of house and home, then rode in a horsedrawn carriage while getting weird looks from everyone in the town who thought we were gay. 5A also says we white water rafted, but I forgot that. I think it's because of the Dr. Tichenor's that Chip Overton forced me to drink, and I was drunk. Needless to say, I was totally taken under by this trip. It was a really good experience and an embarrassment all at the same time. I went home a new man.

Jay and Pigott Random Tradition #3- "Leaving a Pizza Under the Hotel Bed"

Ok I know this one is really really childish, but how can you not think that this is hilarious? I remember when this one started (Lee Boy gets credit in helping start this one too). In Mission Arlington in 1997, our room was me and Jay of course along with Lee and our favorite goofy ass Trey Walker. We ordered a pizza on the last night and we didn't finish it. Instead of throwing it away, we just said "hell, put it under the mattress." At a very enlightening moment, this tradition would be carried out four more times in San Antonio, Toronto, Jackson Butthole, Wyoming, and of course Atlanta on the senior trip. The funniest was the way we last did this great tradition. Me and Jay, who were in a room with some weird guy who was throwing up, had ordered a pizza. Lee Boy had also ordered a pizza. While we were getting ready to go, Lee busts in and goes "allright Jayboy, time for the tradition!!!". Me and 5-jay then very bitchfully lifted the mattress and left not one, but two pizzas there for the next person to smell. I can't help but think about what the poor person after us must have been thinking as they smelled the rotting yeast under the mattress and management probably comping their room just because we wanted to be hellians with absolutely no regard for human well being. So, I guess those people should thank us, and the hotel managers can kiss our ass. My only hope is that this once hallowed tradition is brought back to life so all of us can enjoy it once again. However, I am still waiting for the day when I will call management about a horrid smell under my hotel mattress. What goes around comes around.

This Just In............

This blog will eventually cover the travels of me and Jay in the following states:
Mississippi
Louisiana
Alabama
Georgia
Tennessee
South Carolina
North Carolina
New York
New Jersey
Missouri
Texas
Colorado
Wyoming
Montana

In addition to these 14 states (that's over 25% of the country!)
These countries:
Canada
Brazil

Quite an adventure wouldn't ya say?

The Trip that Began Them All.......Honor Choir Tour- Nashville, TN - March 1994

This trip is important for two reasons. For one, it was the first of EIGHT consecutive school/church trips in which me and 5-jay bunked in the same room. Also, it was the one and only appearance by two great guys Gary Graves, and Jonathan McCullough, who shared our room on this trip. The funny thing is how much I loved Nashville on this trip and wanted to come back one day- who would guess I would live so close one day? Anyway, me, 5-jay, and our good buddies Alec, Chip and Cooper were all in the First Pres. Honor Choir (but didn't go on this trip because of a soccer tournament leaving me and jay to our hellraising devices- HILARIOUS sidenote here- I remember that Trey Walker, who will be mentioned in a second, also skipped out on a church choir tour to go one of the many sixth grade "dances" for birthday parties that year for the 6th graders- I don't remember who's party it was, but I remember Trey being so determined to be cool he wanted to go, he also asked me for the 300th time right before he told me this if I had AOL- yeah cool guy- end of HILARIOUS sidenote), however, according to our other good buddy Tripp Streety, "no one was cool at First Pres". I'd have to agree. Besides singing at a huge church in suburban Nashville, three things really stood out about our fun trip to Opryland (R.I.P.). That was the fact that me and 5-Jay like two idiots, stood above the splash ride and got drenched- real smart. Also, while we were eating lunch, our other good buddy Jay Roberson (who will be featured at length in the "The News Hour" post) did a great lip-synched rendition of "R.E.S.P.E.C.T" while it was playing over the loudspeaker. I also remember that during that wait in line for our food, a stupid redneck girl asked me and Jay if we went to school seven days a week because it was a church school, in one of the first time I ever cussed in public, I said "hell no". Also, I remember laughing at Jordan Walker when he lost his wallet on the Grizzly River Rampage- if you know Jordan you'd understand. However, the one thing I remember more than anything else was the fact that me and Trey Gay Walker, asked his dad, Mr. Carson Walker if we could go ride this cool brand new indoor roller coaster called "Chaos" and come right back. We did, but that ride with Trey scarred me for life. I was having a good time laughing and all, but Trey spent the entire ride going "radical awesome man". I just wish jay could have been there to hear it. Anyway, being the terds that we are, me and jay made complete asses of ourselves the entire trip like only two hormones raging sixth graders can do. Also, it was great because it was on this trip that me and 5-jay took our male bonding to another level because instead of Gary and Jonathan, who were scared to sleep together, me and Jay snuggled up like to young kids in love, just because our fatasses wanted the bed. While me and Jay had not yet perfected our idiot-like acting, many other choir tour traditions were born on this trip. 1- me and jay obviously rooming together, terrorizing our roommates, and being idiots on the bus just by farting. 2- me (and not 5-jay) flirting with girls that I knew hated me. I was a pro at this in elementary school (eventhough some say I still am), but it's all good because we're all facebook friends now (big shoutout to Emelie Elkin and the former Molly Matthews). 3- Me and Jay ordering pizza and leaving it out for the housekeeping staff to clean up. This tradition was taken to another level very soon, and it will be revealed later. 4- me and jay, while concentrating on the main part of the trip (which, in this case, was to sing) making our own agenda to personally be the biggest asses possible just because it's funny. This trip also featured a very competitive game of hand wiffleball, almost one to rival the one played on "Jay and Pigott's last school shibang....the First Pres SwanSong in ATL". However, after a week off school (which is really cool to a 12 year old), we returned for our last 7 weeks at First Pres. While our school career together came to an abrupt end, it would be over six years before me and jay went on another trip where we weren't rooming together at least part of the time. So, this is the journey where the two horsemen rode for the first time, and might be the most important escapade of all.

Jay and Pigott Random Tradition #13- "Ordering an Applebee's Appetizer Sampler and Having an Eating Contest"

Well folks, I promised, and I came through. In probably our most patented and tradition that ties into the most other ones, this is one that is saved for special occasions, a.k.a when Pigott's hungry. I think this one started with 5-Jay's jealousy of my eating prowess, and I hate to say has one this contest on more than occasion just from his shear rat like abilities to eat everything in front of him in a short amount of time. If you've never seen an applebee's appetizer sampler, it's pictured here. Also, if you've never had one, GET ONE NOW! This tradition is special because not only does it involve a contest, eating, farting, and drinking, it also involved a genuine "best of luck to ya" harty handshake that makes this tradition all the more sacred. This tradition is so sacred it hasn't been implemented in over 2 years. Just the mere thought of it deserves a moment of silence just due it's solid place in the life of 5a and 5-jay. Put it this way, the next time this practice takes place, there will be a full report on weneedcharterandyoudont.com. Fear the sampler, recognize the sampler, FEAR the sampler.

The Dynamic Duo Goes to the Coast and Give the Admiral a Proper Sendoff In The Big Easy.......April 2003

Well, I must say 2003 was DEFINITELY our most prolific travel year! More updates on that phenomenon later. Anyway, not long at all after our spring break flirting with insanity in Atlanta in late March 2003, Me and Jay took a impromptu trip to the Mississippi Gulf Coast and New Orleans because Jay's previous plans were suddenly cancelled for a reason that cannot be disclosed for personal reasons (like we don't all already know). Anyway, Jay came to Hattiesburg on Saturday, and we wasted no time heading down U.S. Highway 49 down through the great state of Mississippi until we got to the city of Gulfport. Here is where we stopped at my favorite restaurant I never get to eat at, T.G.I. Friday's. Being the moron I am, I had four DIFFERENT drinks topped off by a Vodka and Sprite. At this point, Jay was put behind the wheel. From there, we made the short trek over to Biloxi where we first went to the Imperial Palace casino, which was picked just due to it's blue collar nature and not being one of the more "expensive casinos" however, we quickly left after my embarassing losing streak due to my current mental state, so we then started to head to one of the most magnificent hotel/casinos in the United States, Beau Rivage. What transpired next, is nothing short of amazing taking into account my impaired state. Being still young to gambling, I had not yet grown the nuts to head to the table games, so we both very bitchfully headed over to the quarter slots. It's amazing when you start winning money how fast your drunken state can wear off. Well, I must say first that I had to piss, and after leaving the bathroom, I uttered my famous line, "come on let's go gamble". After a rather slow start, and after Jay was told to put his black and mild out because we weren't in a "smoking section" (like that's possible in a casino). However, after a slow start, I began to catch fire even landing a bonus spin that netted me another $24. Impressed by my drunken success, 5-jay then goes "SHIT! I'm gambling now!". After I felt my luck was running out, we decided for Pigott to go get his quarters cashed. I was so impaired, however, that while we were STILL waiting in line, I was gambling with the quarters out of my cup into the machines next to the line. However, I was very pleased with my day's work. I walked into the casino with $9 and left with $20. For the math majors out there, that's a net gain of $11, and was my gas money back to Hattiesburg. After a quick tour of the largest man made beach in the world, deciding against going to Mobile, drinking free beer at Casino Magic!,and hollering drunk obscenities and fart noises out my window, we decided to call it a night because the next day held big, big things. However, when we returned back in Hattiesburg, we were hungry....again and took part in random tradition #13 (which will be revealed later). The next day's destination: The city of New Orleans, Louisiana to see the New Orleans Hornets play the San Antonio Spurs. However, there was more significance to this game then meets the eye. The Spurs, who would be the eventual NBA World Champions that season, were also in the middle of a legend's swan song. That legend was David Robinson who had announced his retirement at the beginning of the season. We met the day with much anticipation, but were thwarted by the ridiculous awful traffic on the I-59 bridge over Lake Ponchatrain in Louisiana- a great place to be stuck. However, we still arrived in New Orleans in time to have a "really good experience". We immediately went to find food and after a scrumptuous meal at Mike Anderson's in the Riverwalk, we headed to Bourbon Street to enjoy some "pre-game". After walking around and hearing stories about a certain unamed person complaining, we finally settled in at Club 753 where we both enjoyed some very stout drinks and a great mid afternoon showing of Jackass:The Movie (please note- this movie will NOT be in General Pigott's "random movie review" section, so don't expect it). After getting good and liquored up, we made our way to New Orleans Arena to witness NBA Basketball at it's finest. The game featured the Sportscenter top play of the week when Hornets guard Baron Davis made maybe the sickets spin move I've ever seen on Bruce Bowen. Doing our ritual handshake, we both cheered on the Admiral and his teammates and joined the New Orleans crowd in standing to our feet in honoring the Admiral David Robinson. In his last appearance in Louisiana, the Hornets were no match for the eventual World Champions. In a sudden revelation, I made the suggestion to Jay that we should go to Bourbon Street again and stay there all night. Seeing my boyish excitement evident, Jay calmly said "No, Pigott, I have to go to work tomorrow." Though I was dismayed, this didn't put a damper on my trip, because this trip was made worth it just by Jay hollering on the window on the way out of town as loud as he could "HATS THE SHIT OFF TO THE BIG FUCKING EASY!!!!!". I don't know about you, but that's words I take comfort in. Because I knew this wouldn't be our last trip to land where the beer flows freely and dreams are made. Because that night, in my little piece of shit Sunfire listening to Elton John's version of "High Flying Bird", we realized our dream, indeed, had come true. What was that dream you might ask? We made it through the whole weekend and we both spent less then $50- now that's what I call a dream come true.

Jay and Pigott Random Tradition #9- "The Harty Handshake"

Few things show the mutual respect that a harty handshake shows. I don't remember when this tradition started, because I really don't care. All I know, is whether it's a live contest, a video game, a movie, or a fucking SHITTING contest, me and jay no matter what, everytime, always shake hands and say "best of damn luck to ya". This is just showing our redneck side along with our competitiveness that runs deep inside of our bellies, but probably farther inside his because mine's always full. Also, when we're enjoying Southern Miss football or Green Bay Packer playoff football (because the Saints never make it) nothing's better than a best of luck to ya harty handshake just to be on the same page. The team's on the same page, so the fans need to be too. Well to everyone who's reading this take a minute from your day, go find someone you know or hell even someone you don't know. Walk up to em, shake their hand and say "best of luck to ya sir". You'll feel the difference.....immediately.

The Forum: Our Old Home Away From Home (2002-2004)

There are some places that just live on in your heart forever even after they are no more. Places that have enough character to call one of your friends. Places that you would buy to keep running if you had the money. Well, there once was a place like this for 5A and me. On Ridgewood Road in Jackson, MS there stands a club called Headliners (it recently closed). It's a huge nightclub that was expanded into four different bars and a giant dancefloor. They have a restaurant, and many concerts have also held there. The place is nice and all, but upon opening it they commited a very dirty act, indeed. They closed down the greatest sports bar of our time, known as "The Forum". Hence, a piece of Pigott's and my heart were ripped out along with it. This was not just any old sports bar, mind you. This was man's sports bar. It is something that every male alive should be able to experience at least once before they die. I remember the first Sunday I walked into the place for some NFL football like it was yesterday. As the automatic sliding doors opened, I saw a huge room with a 50 foot ceiling and more square feet than the average middle-class house. Next, I looked up to notice two MASSIVE projection screens on opposite sides of the room along with T.V screens lined side by side going across the entire wall. Every, I repeat EVERY NFL game was playing! A chill went down my spine as I quoted the famous Field of Dreams line, "Is this heaven?" A strand of drool crashed to the floor as I snapped out of it and realized I was still in Jackson. I walked across the room to see Pigott waiting on me at one of the hundreds of tables that were scattered across the bar. He had a big fat burger and some fries in front of him as he gave me his vintage military salute and said "You better be glad you got here, because I wasn't gonna wait on your ass to eat." It didn't get any better than this. When you combine 5A, 5-Jay, NFL football, Burgers, and ice cold Miller Lite, you might as well forget about doing anything else for the rest of the day. I turned my cell phone off, as I knew nothing could be more important than this. This was the start of a tradition with Pigott and me that went on every Sunday after church that we were both in town at the same time. So the rest of this post will be kind of cliche for us, because it was a recurring thing. After we finished our meals, we always made sure that we were seated in a position that we could see 5A's Saints and my Packers and the same time. Something that I think added to the atmosphere, was the fact that most of the regulars were either redneck Cowboys/Nascar fans or ghetto Steelers fans. They were a joy to watch while our teams were on commercial breaks. The rest of the time, all you saw and heard was 5A beating his head and pounding his fists into the table screaming "WHY AM I A SAINTS FAN?????", or me declaring that the Packers would win and that Brett Favre had everything under control (even if I knew the game was out of reach), or 5A saying "Torry Holt......FROM?". The Miller Lite was definitely a key cog for my sanity at The Forum....it always came through in the clutch. Not only was it the official beer of the Green Bay Packers, but it always seemed to be the colder there than any other place. On a few special occasions, we were even able to share a cold one with our buddy, John Lassiter (also a Saints fan). There was never a dull moment with this guy. I loved to listen to him compare himself to the wide receivers and "the way he and they both knew to come back to the ball." But the greatest moment at The Forum with Lassiter had to be the time that Pigott and I met him to watch the playoff game between the Packers and Seahawks. I believe that we made the biggest fools of ourselves that day. After screaming profanity for three hours in front of Lassiter's parents, 5A and I ran laps around the bar farting with joy after Al Harris intercepted Matt Hasselbeck's pass in OT and ran it into the endzone to seal the victory for the Cheeseheads. Might I add, Matt Hasselbeck is FROM Boston College and is a flaming homosexual. Anyway, this is basically what our Sundays at The Forum consisted of. Once I heard the sad news that they were closing, football season was over and Pigott wasn't in Jackson much anymore. I'm ashamed to say it, but I spent some of my spare time in the middle of the week at the The Forum sitting at the bar myself and proclaiming my love to the place in its final hours. I always knew the memories would never die, but why did they have to take such a great place from us? DAMMIT. In closing, I know I can speak for myself and 5A when I say "Hats the SHIT off to The Forum.....we'll always miss ya."

The Greatest Starting Lineup Ever

Teams like this don't come along everyday. Me and 5-Jay, through careful planning, created the greatest starting lineup in the history of basketball on NBA Live 97 for Super Nintendo. The lineup was Bill and Brian at the forwards and me and Jay in the backcourt. Our center was none other then the created "Moe" from Jackson State. Put it this way....Jordan came off the bench! After just one season in the spotlight, we all announced our retirements, except for Michael Jordan who went on to win 3 more championships with the Chicago Bulls. Me and Jay then moved on to play NBA Jam, which would eventually coin one of our most famous phrases to date, "what the hell?". After blowing a seven point lead to the Grizzlies in the final minute of the game, me and jay couldn't believe our ineptitude using a team like Orlando in the game. However, our shortcomings were short lived, we had a rematch showed ourselves are true champions in battle, but we lost.....again.

The Five Idiots Go To Atlanta - March 2003

This one was a disaster before it began. Due to the recent success of our end of summer trip to Atlanta in August of 2002, (see the three stooges go to Atlanta for Cooper's 21st birthday...coming soon) we decided to have a repeat trip at spring break that would outdue the first one. Because it was spring break, we could have more time there and the NBA and NHL were both in season. From the jump, me and jay had planned the ENTIRE trip on the premise that we would get to see Ray Allen play. The plan was to go the Hawks/Bucks game on Wednesday, the Thrashers/Canadiens game on Thursday, and party on Friday. However, two weeks before we left, Ray Allen was traded to the Seattle Supersonics for Gary Payton, so we still saw the glove. Anyway, in the weeks leading up to the trip, Cooper was brought back for an encore. Also in the mix was Cooper's loveable and newly married twin brother Chip, also known in our circle as "Skippah", also in the mix was the wildcard participant, Glenn Lee Odom, Jr., also known as "Leeboy". As ways of organizing, Chip would create a AIM chatroom that we would all be in and start every session by saying MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FLOOR. So sexy. It was the morning we left on this trip that Chip uttered his famous line "rule #1- it's not a ferrari". Long story, don't ask. Anyway, after we finally all got to Atlanta, it was an adventure just to get to the freaking marta to get to Phillips Arena in downtown Atlanta. We also bought scalped tickets (which is illegal in Atlanta) from two rough looking dudes right outside the arena, and walked in right as the ball was being tipped. However, Lee and Chip's scalped tickets were for the skybox....how novel. However, the true fans and the drunk monkey were on the lower level for some great seats in a really competitive game. Me and 5-Jay being the cheap bastards we are made a monumental wager in that game. Being a true Hawks fan, I bet Jay a whole quarter that the Hawks would win. We shook on it- and uttered our famous standoff line, "best of luck to ya"- showing our rather rare gentlemanly side. Cooper, who has the alcohol tolerance of a 10 year old chip boyd, was drunk and doing stupid laughs by the second quarter, but being the big time NBA fans we are, we didn't let that keep two good 'ol boys from sitting, farting, discussing, and talking roundball in front of a whopping Atlanta crowd of ooooooh, maybe 4,000. However, Cooper despite his drunkeness managed to be only one of us to catch a shirt that was thrown into the stands. Me and Jay, during this time had a classic positioning battle that is seldom matched in the paint by the true greats such as Chamberlain, Russell, Unseld, Ewing, Olajuwon, and Robinson. While me and jay were busy showing off our physical prowess, Cooper's drunk ass caught the damn shirt. Cooper, proud of his seemingly dominant achievement, then said "I CAUGHT THIS SHIRT OVER BOTH OF YA'LL!!!". At this time, me and 5 jay just looked at each other and said "what the hell" because we thought for a split second that our battled for positioning was a worthless one. However, we soon had a warm look in both of eyes because we realized we had truly battled like so many other drunk fans had before us. We both let out a squeaky fart and sat back down. That night was capped off by us going back to the hotel room for the famous "Pigott going into the bathroom" incident. Sorry, but that content is inappropriate for younger viewers. The next day, we went to the Mall of Georgia and ate. We all know how I like to eat, so I just had to put that in there. Then we went back to the hotel and ate again. Then I took a shit, then I was ready to go Phillips Arena again for one of the most memorable nights of our lives. While Skippah was sleeping his ass off, me, jay, Lee, and Cooper went back to Phillips Arena for a NHL matchup between the Atlanta Thrashers and Montreal Canadiens. We all had different agendas that night. Lee, was going to meet up with old Big Pork and the Porkchops bandmate Daniel Gay, Cooper was going to as he said "pay his cover charge and get crunk". However, me and jay were there to see a contest on the battlefield, or in this case the battle ice. However, little did we know history was about to be made. As soon as the referee dropped the puck to start the game, jay let loose his most famous phrase to date, "This is a REALLY good experience". However, this perfect moment was almost ruined because Cooper was jacking off over the fact that they had actually played the Canadian national anthem. AMERICAN ATTITUDE!!!!!! In a game that included then rookie Robert Exelby dropping Vincent Damphousse in one punch, 5-jay experienced in his first NHL game a hard fought 5-3 loss by the Thrashers, oh, but the night was just beginning. Lee left us at this point to engage in some "adult activities" at GSU with Daniel, leaving me, jay and the drunk monkey to our own devices. We quickly made our way to the Peachtree Street Hooters where Pigott once again DOMINATED in all aspects of eating, like that's hard. Cooper then began to nod off and said "guys I'm going back to the hotel". Fine, fuck ya. Skippah, awakening from his nap then joined us in downtown Atlanta. I still remember watching Chip walk up from the MARTA stop with "business in the front, party in the back" mullett he was sporting at the time- bet you didn't know that, Virginia! After trying a few shitty bars and almost beating the shit out of every bum we came across, we finally came to Buckhead where we immediately in awe. Well, actually first we got lost and walked our asses off. We finally put our tired asses in a cab and finally found the ass......everywhere. We went in to the hot night spot "Tongue and Groove", and my jaw hit the ground. However, the coolest part was the seemingly 70 year old Asian man dancing his ass off and doing it up having a great time....hats off to him. Chip and Jason were just looking around trying to figure the place out. However, I managed to drink 3 Long Island Iced Teas as well as many other things I don't remember. This is the night I was dubbed "an escape artist" by jay. So true. Anyway, I am sure the place was alot better than I can write about, I just simply don't remember. After we left the club at around 3:45, we had maybe the most memorable walk of all time. Three drunk idiots walking, walking, walking, and walking to Lenox Square where we were staying. I only remember two things about this walk: 1- We got back at 5am. 2- I was severely chaffed on my ass and Jay and Chip heard all about my sweaty burning asshole the whole time. However, let's not stray from the point at hand. Me and Jay were the only two people of the group to participate in all activities that day. Chip had a nap, so he doesn't count, Lee passed out and Cooper went home and went to sleep. True champions step up to the plate. After we left the hotel, the next day we made another trip to the Mall of Georgia, only this time it was X Games negative 10. Skippah and Lee, obviously losing brain cells from the week's activities, decided "hey let's go skateboarding" in the skate park at the mall. Let me add though, me and Jay played a 99-98 STANDOFF in ESPN NBA 2003 in the XBox Lounge right before this, in a hard fought game, my halfcourt shot with Mike Bibby at the end was waived off because it was shot after the buzzer. Anyway, Lee, who is a very athletic dude and a black belt, made the most trademark blunder of his life. Lee, who had paid I believe $20 to skateboard, took one push and busted his ass in a way that is so funny it was indescribeable. Me and Jay, just to be ghetto, ran off laughing. That night, we stayed at my cousin Taylor and his wife Kelly's brand new house. Skippah and Jay, after talking about going out, stayed and played video games. However, me, lee, cooper, taylor his wife, and his friend james and his girlfriend all went to see "Old School". Me and Cooper were planning to leave after another trip to the Mall of Georgia, of course to eat. However, that morning, I had forgotten that Taylor told me that his toilet in the upstairs bathroom wasn't working. I took a shit, ut oh, no water. Taylor's famous line to me was "get to digging". I put on some latex gloves, got a trashbag, got on my knees and pulled my OWN TURDS out of a dry toilet. I tell ya, you ain't got a SHRED of dignity after that happens. I then threw the bag over the fence much to the delight of the dogs. Anyway, me and cooper left in his "ferrari" and the adventure that was Atlanta Spring Break 2003 was then over. Hats the hell off.

Our Latest Escapade In Jackson, MS-2006

Ok, so we were both in J-town at the same time......something that hardly ever happens anymore. And there were actually NEW things to do this time! Our nights out used to consist of a simple independent league pro baseball game at our beloved Smithwills Stadium, and MAYBE some food at Hooters if Pigott was lucky. You see, for Pigott it was either heckling the hell out of the umpires or heckling the hell out of the Hooters waitress with the biggest booty.......it really didn't matter as long as he was able to heckle someone. But those days are over for many reasons. 1: There is a brand new AA stadium for the newly acquired Mississippi Braves called Trustmark Park. The place is incredible. There is also a restaurant there that is good enough to avoid eating elswhere before or after the game. 2: The beer at Trustmark Park is very very cold. 3: My girlfriend recently let me know that I would basically be castrated if I set foot in Hooters, and I respect that. 4: There is a new Bass Pro Shop right across from Trustmark Park that perfectly accomodates our redneck needs. On top of that, it is in Pearl so we can walk in the door spitting and nobody will say a thing. 5: The beer at Trustmark Park is EXTREMELY cold.

So.....on with the story. We started the night off by meeting at the Bass Pro Shop, and I actually beat Pigott there. This was the first time in history I had beat Pigott ANYWHERE. I think he felt ashamed of himself when he walked in the door and looked up to see the sick grin on my face. He gave me a hardy hats off, and I continued to laugh. Next, we went up the clear glass elevator while forcing ourselves not to pull our pants down and press our butts firmly on the glass for everybody to see. When we got to the top, I showed Pigott the skeet shooting video game. His jaw dropped to the floor, and we shook hands and gave our vintage "good luck to ya", then started the competition. Unfortunately, I have real life skeet shooting experience so it wasn't much of a competition at all. I think Pigott was ok with it though, because he knew he was about to beat the tar out of me in the umpire heckling contest. We left Bass Pro Shop and walked on into Trustmark Park. Our first stop was the restaurant out in right field. I honestly can't remember what we had to eat, but I can guarantee you that I had a cold Miller Lite and 5A had something along the lines of an "Earthquake Sundae". He always looks for the most caloric, fattening dessert he can find after inhaling his meal, no matter where we are. Finally, we went and sat down in our seats on the third base line. The guy you see coaching third is Jeff Blauser. He was one of the best shortstops to ever play the game, and he now manages our Mississippi Braves. Sensational, huh? Anyway, the rest of our night was concluded with us drinking a few more adult beverages and everyone within 2 miles of the stadium hearing Pigott yell things such as "That was a horrible call!!....My grandmother could have seen that!!!......Good hustle Blue!!!.....HEY BLUE, this Bud's for you!..........SIT DOWN BLUE YOU SUCK!!!!" (even the umpire laughed at the Bud line) A kid also asked me to autograph his baseball because he thought I was a member of the New York Yankees, right before Pigott blatantly snatched the ball from the kid and said "I'll sign it first". The little boy almost cried as Pigott once again made an ass of himself. Towards the end of the game I went and waited in line behind the rest of the 9 year olds to throw the ball and test my pitch speed, and kept bitching at 5A Pigott because he wouldn't come with me. Then the game ended, and Pigott and I both awkardly walked out of the stadium like we were pregnant from all the food and beverages we had just consumed. We went home and passed out, and that's the end of this story. I would write more, but I have to study for my last final of undergrad studies. Thanks for reading.

This Just In.......

I am the DEFINITELY the fattest person on this blog.

Pigott's Here

I finally got this shit to work. I am now a member of two blogs. To see more inside my distorted mind, check out www.generalpigott.blogspot.com

My First Thoughts

This is a disclaimer. If you feel that you might be offended by two guys who are here to tell their stories no matter how gruesome it may be, then you should leave. A lot of the content you will find here will involve stories of the two of us farting a lot, going to professional sporting events and getting bombed out of our gourds, farting some more, and doing whatever it takes to remain as immature as we can as long we can. So there ya go. I don't want to hear any complaining. Furthermore, I'm sorry to say that I don't have many past pictures of us saved on my computer, so you will have to use your imagination on a lot of these stories. Enjoy.

I can't believe we're doing this.....

Is it pretty? No. But is it necessary? YES